With apologies to David Letterman, here's my list of top 10 things you should not put in a resume (in bold), followed by possible responses from employers – well, more likely kept to themselves:
1) Took time management seminar
Response: "Did you have a problem managing your time? You won't here."
2) Organized office football pool for 5 years
Response: "Hmmm, last I checked, that wasn't in the job description."
3) References available upon request
Response: "Thanks. If we're interested, we'll ask for them."
4) Email: firstname.lastname@example.org
Response: "Thank you for sharing. Circular file!"
5) Saved company money
Response: "Well, that's nice. But how much?"
6) Didn't work for six months due to medical condition
Response: "Legally, I can't ask about this, but since you volunteered this information, I'm off the hook."
7) Thirty years with just one company
Response: "So, why do you want to make a change now?"
8) OBJECTIVE: Accounting position
Response: I like reading resumes as much as I like doing my taxes, so make it easier on me and give me more information.
9) Was president of college fraternity
Response: "Wonder if he knows the `ilikesbeer' guy?"
10) Verry detail-focussed
Response: "Yeah right! ‘Nuff said."
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