Pongo Resume

A universal truth among workers is that, once in awhile, everyone wakes up and – despite a complete lack of a diagnosable illness or injury – calls in sick.

Doing so repeatedly is known as abusing sick time, and it's the reason many companies have changed to a paid-time-off (PTO) system that doesn't distinguish between sick time and vacation time.

The thing is, employees have been faking sicknesses since before you or I were born. As a result, supervisors (like parents and teachers) have become skilled at recognizing when employees are legitimately ill, or just sick of work (or sick of their annoying coworkers)!

In fact, I bet every experienced manager has memorized something resembling this 5-point questionnaire, and uses it when an employee calls in sick:

QUESTIONNAIRE FOR DETECTING A BOGUS SICKNESS (aka, BS)

INSTRUCTIONS: Answer each question with a YES or a NO. Score 5 points for each YES answer; 0 points for each NO answer. A total score of 15 or more probably indicates BS.

1. Is today a Friday or a Monday?   YES / NO
   (The desire for a long weekend often produces a BS excuse.)
   
   
2. Is the sickness one that can naturally resolve itself within 24 hours (e.g., food poisoning, stomach bug, headache, allergies)?   YES / NO
   (No one wants to have to fake a lingering cough or remember to limp when they go back to work, so BS excuses usually involve a one-day condition.)
   
   
3. Is this a condition that – conveniently – has no visible or audible symptoms?   YES / NO
   (Bleeding wounds, broken bones, and acute laryngitis are hard to fake, and thus, rarely BS.)
   
   
4. Is the condition sufficiently personal and/or gross to prevent further questioning?   YES / NO
   (BS claimants often count on their boss's squeamishness about all things gastro-intestinal, gynecological, or digestive.)
   
   
5. Has the employee called in sick with other conditions that fit the above criteria in the past few months?   YES / NO
   (Frequent, random BS symptoms in an otherwise healthy individual typically point to "I hate my job" syndrome. Or hangovers. Or both.)

The thing that sucks is that all of these can be legitimate excuses, too. People really DO get food poisoning and 24-hour bugs and explosive cases of unspeakable nastiness. And sometimes they really do occur on a Monday or a Friday.

That's the beauty of the 5-point questionnaire. If you only get a YES on one or two of them, you can still be presumed innocent (er, sick).

Ironically, by the time you reach middle age and develop a repertoire of authentic aches, pains, maladies, growths, and so on, you've also developed the wisdom to skip the excuses and simply say, "I feel like crap. I'm not coming in today."

Managers, have you heard any outlandish sick-day excuses? Employees, have you ever been doubted when you were truly ill (or believed when you were shoveling BS)?  Share your experiences in the comment section!

The worst people who come to the office or any other place of business are the ones who are very ill and bring it in to the rest of us!!! If you are sick, STAY HOME! If you are not sick, just tell your boss you need a personal day.

@Hard-Working Individual

I couldn't agree more. It should be just that simple!

However, if you Google the word "excuses," you'll find dozens of sites with suggestions for sick day excuses. It's pretty amazing. (Do they think their managers can't read those sites, too? Or haven't heard every BS excuse before?)

Bottom line: Just tell the truth. Either you're sick, or you need a personal day.

Thanks for commenting!

Julie

haha. don't forget that if you are faking to go somewhere, don't update your facebook/twitter/etc with "skipping work for a 3 day weekend!"

@sick day excuses lol...

Excellent, excellent point! And one I hadn't even thought of. Thanks!

Julie

Who cares.

@ Betty Mackingi

Feeling under the weather today, Betty? You forgot the question mark on your insightful comment.

Just kidding -- all opinions welcome here!

Julie

Believe it or not I was involved in a car accident the same day I was scheduled to work. I called my supervisor, I am a nurse, to let her know that I would not be in due to the accident. I found out later, months, that she had a "friend" at the police station in the city where the accident happened, and that she called "her friend" to see if I really was involved in a accident that day!!!

Can you say lawsuit????

I am a nurse at a hospital that we deliver babies. One day when my baby was about 7mos old and was vomiting and had a fever I was scheduled to work 3-11p, I called my super to let her know I would not be in. I was told by her that my first priority was not my family, but it was work! I quickly reminded her what profession I (we) were in and that it would be a cold day when I left my sick baby to care for someone else's newborn, there were other nurses, but my daughter had only one mother. I was then told by her that "perhaps I needed a new job", at which time I told her that "perhaps she needs a child" to set her priorities. She didn't last very long at that position but did visit us a few years later with her newborn. I quickly reminded her of our conversation, all she did was smile at me. Yes, this is the same hospital that checked to see if I really was inan auto accident.

P.S. I no longer work there!

@Jo-Ann Paul

Wow. Sounds like you had a bad case of management dysfunction in that hospital. Glad to hear you're no longer there (and that your priorities stayed in the right place, despite that super's ridiculous threats)!

Julie

I work at a Law Firm in collections. With the people losing their jobs, homes, etc. they are not paying their debts. We just got a new supervisors from hell about three months ago. She wants us to tell people to sell blood, miss their car payments, don't pay their rent or mortgage, cut off their cable & pay us. She calls them all loosers & dead beats. Long time employees are being written up & she wants us fired. She is causing employees to lie about being sick. Most of us are really sick, sick of her & her unprofessionalism. She really makes you sick to your stomach & many of us actually vomit. So yes she makes you lie & say you're sick. Actually you really are.

@Katrina Telling people to sell their blood?! Wow. She definitely warrants the supervisor-from-hell designation. No wonder people feel sick!

I hope you and your colleagues are using those sick days to network, update your resumes, and set up job alert e-mails from job search engines (e.g., Indeed.com).

Sorry you've got such a bad situation. Nobody deserves that. At least you can be one step ahead of her if you launch a job search now.

Good luck! Julie

1. If you really are sick, call in sick.

2. If you aren't sick but need the day off for whatever reason, ask for a personal day if your company allows it.

3. If your unfortunate like me and you work for a company that strongly shuns personal days to the point that you'll be retaliated against when you return to work...then lie. Tell them you don't feel well enough to come to work. They shouldn't and have no right to question you for details like my employer does. It's actually illegal. They can however request a doctor's note only to verify that the employee was unable to work for health reasons (without detailing the nature of the illness or injury). But most places won't go to this extent because then it might mean more days off if you really are sick and your doctor requests it, or your better by the time you get the note. Just don't do these things more than 2 days a year.

It's time we stop these companies from taking advantage of us and treating us like their little minions. Especially in times like this...it's not right. Work is important, but living our lives outside of work is why most of us work. If we can't even get this then whats the point? We're just working to survive, when surviving is really just living. Eating, drinking, sleeping, playing, etc...it's all part of life and being a human naturally.

Life should be naturally easy with low stress involved. Everything you need to live is provided by this earth. Need food? Grow it, or kill it. Need water? Drink it. Need shelter? Make it. It's ALL here for us. It starts everyone off on a level playing field. It's people who have made it hard for ourselves. We are self destructive creatures. Its usually caused by the pompous uncaring elitists, aka the extremely weak and insecure individuals of our society, who take advantage of others and pawn their work off to others to relieve they're insecurities and maintain control and power.