Pongo Resume

When it’s time for employers to "trim payrolls" (Shhhh! They really mean “layoffs,” but please don’t say that word!), they often go to great lengths to hide the reality that they plan to get rid of some of the hired help. They toss some perfume on that pile of manure, you know, the one right next to the pig wearing the fresh lipstick. After all, you can't say "layoff" (D-ohhh!) or you'll deflate the morale of the employees who will remain!

Do employers really have to resort to what they see as “happy talk” when they cut staff? Everyone knows what’s happening. It's becoming comical. When it’s time to announce layoffs (There! I said it again! Ha Ha! Try and stop me!!), a lot of companies see their employees as dumb as dust. A recent article from CNNMoney.com left me both amused and dumbfounded at how a few big companies sugar-coated upcoming job cuts. For instance, according to the article:

• American Express plans to cut 7,000 jobs as part of a “re-engineering plan.”
• Fidelity Investments called 1,300 upcoming layoffs “cost improvement plans,” and my favorite…
• eBay cut 1,500 jobs in October as part of an – ahem! – employee “simplification.”

And there are these other buzzwords that say the same thing:

       • Downsizing
       • Rightsizing
       • Headcount reduction
       • Streamlining
       • Labor force rationalization
       • Eliminating redundancies
       • Reduction in force
       • Job action.

Oh, here’s another one: normal involuntary attrition (Barf bag, please!).

As Charlie Brown would say, with a roll of the eyes: “Good grief!”

I’ll be blunt: The economy is not doing well, thousands of people are losing their jobs and collecting unemployment, and I’m sure many others are retooling their resumes in the event they’re next to pack up their stuff and bid tearful and anxiety-laden goodbyes to their colleagues. They read and hear the same news and don’t need to be force-fed a pile of rose-colored spin (read: crap) when their employers decide they need to trim payrolls. If that’s what they hear, then, at best, they’ll just weather the storm until better days return; at worst, their intelligence will be insulted enough that they’ll want to leave on their own when the right opportunity comes knocking.

That would be called normal voluntary departures, or what I would prefer to call: “Take this job and shove it!”

Which of these euphemisms for “layoffs” do you find most annoying? Please share your thoughts below. In addition, feel free to vote for one of five listed in this poll at buzzdash.com. (Note: The poll should be available through the winter.)

It's been said that there are 3 things to avoid being let go: 1 Don't Grow old.....I did.. Age 63 2 Don't get sick.....I did....diabetes & a car accident 3. Don't retire....I did not want to and made this very clear....but under duress. Only after saying the word litigation did I get attention. I was fortunate in being allowed to negotiate a severance package that allowed me to leave with some dignity!

The law of course say's that age, illness and forced retirement are not legal grounds for dismissal. However, I found the Big Guy (company) will win regardless as long as they follow the law and make it just a little bit more financial compensation then they are obligated to under law. This way they generally avoid "Just Cause" coming back on them. Anyway, who can afford a lawyer if you wish to fight the settlement. They also include a "Confidentiality Agreement" for you to sign stating that you cannot talk about the company or to anyone other than a lawyer or financial adviser on what the exact severance package was. If you don't abide by this agreement you lose all compensation! Either way, it was pure HELL for my family and I and came a week before xmas.

You raise a good point: Many companies will go to great lengths to minimize any negative fallout from a layoff or, ummm, "restructuring." That's why, in my humble opinion, there will never be a drop in demand for corporate lawyers.

And yes, their timing sucks, but since many companies (at least those whose stock is traded publicly) operate on a quarter-by-quarter basis, and December is usually the last month of a quarter, layoffs are one way for them to make quarterly numbers.

Best regards, ~ Rick

The advice is: Don't. If you have to put it on a job application, you'll probably have to address it there. Then, you can say that you're position was eliminated because of cost-cutting measures. If it was strictly a business decision that cost you your job, you know you were laid off, and a prospective employer will know it once you explain it, no matter how you word it.

Please let me know if I didn't address your question.

Thanks for dropping in!

~ Rick